Depression Happens!

I have dealt with depression for many years.  It is awful!  In the past I have fallen into the pits of depression and sadly even thought of ending my life.  Recently, one of my son's past girl-friend's father committed suicide.  Jimmy and this girl are still friends and she reached out to him to talk about it.  Jimmy could not understand how her father could be so selfish.  This girl is a young mother that is going through a divorce and at the time of her father's suicide she was in the process of studying for finals.  She attends a local college and works hard to balance everything in her life and depends on her family for a lot of support.  This man had adopted another daughter when she was in the first grade.  Being adopted by this family was a blessing because she had been through a lot of trauma with her biological family.  So much so that they were advised to change her name.  Jimmy wondered how she would cope knowing that the father who chose her would then kill himself.  He just couldn't understand the depths of depression.

Our family is no stranger to mental health issues and suicide.  Jimmy's grandmother committed suicide when he was in junior high.  Both his father and I have gone through depression but, apparently we did a good job of shielding him from most of it.

In the past, before I truly started looking to God for help with my depression, I turned to substances, "friends", or activities for comfort, which of course only made things worse.  The three worse times of my depression occurred after having Anthony and being a teenage mother whose parents had left the state, shortly after getting married at 19, and then again in my 30's.  The first two times were linked to the birth control I was taking.  The last time my anxiety had gone untreated and I fell into the pit of depression.  Luckily at that time I knew the signs and went to get help and did not think of taking my life.

Now that I am a devoted follower of Christ I would love to say that all that depression is behind me, but it still rears its ugly head from time to time.  The big difference is who and what I turn to for help.  Now I ask my true Christian friends to pray for me or I try to spend time with them, I read my Bible, I pray, and I look for blogs or websites of other Christians dealing with depression.  Satan tries to tell me that I am weak and that I will never succeed in overcoming my depression.  HE IS A LIAR!  When a person is in that pit of depression it is easy to believe the lies.  That others will be better off without you, that life would be easier or better without you in it, that no one will even care or notice that you are gone, that others will be relieved that you are gone, etc...  I don't know what that father was thinking when he chose to end his life but, if our experiences are similar at all I think he thought he was doing what was best.  He believed Satan's lies.

I've been down lately and I have seen the early signs.  Wanting to sleep all day, crying all the time, being grouchy and sensitive, headaches, etc.  But I know that God sees me.  He knows how I am feeling and is there to comfort me if I look to Him.  I read Psalms 42 and 43 and they are quite comforting!

These are some verses that help lift me out of the pit:

Jeremiah 29:11-12

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you.

Romans 5:5

and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Philippians 4:6-7

do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Matthew 11:28-30

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

Christians get depressed too.  Do NOT listen to Satan's lies!

Climbing out of the pit,

Angie

God Loves My Kids More Than I Do

As I have entered the world of the "Empty Nest" I have HAD to let go of my children...  It is the hardest thing I have had to do as a parent.  Harder than car pooling two kids to various activities while my husband was deployed to Saudi Arabia and we lived thousands of miles away from family.  Harder than when my babies were sick and I was running on one hour of sleep in two or three days.  Harder than learning to deal with my ADHD son and trying to explain to teachers how to best deal with him but NOT letting him use his diagnosis as a crutch.  Harder than dealing with my daughter's daily seizures as her teenage hormones and the anti seizure medications were playing havoc on her brain (and my sanity.)  During all those hard times I still had control, or so I thought. I did not have control over my husband being sent to a far away country, I did not have control over the sicknesses they got, I did not have control over the abundance of energy and lack of focus my son had, and I did not have control over the seizures my daughter had. However, I definitely had control over the choices that had to be made and the physical aspects of my children's lives. (Where they were at, what they would do, and what they would wear, etc.)

Yes even as teenagers I had control!  Some say they have no control over their teenagers but that is NOT true!  They have made the choice NOT to control their teenagers.  I must say I sometimes chose to allow my teenagers to do things or make some choices that others felt I should have controlled.  (hair, clothes, friends, bed times, etc.)  In some cases my children learned great lessons on making those choices and in others, looking back, I should have controlled.  When my kids were teenagers they would be grounded and I very much controlled that.  When it started, when it ended, what they were grounded from and so on.  I did not give in and luckily my husband was on the same page and we held our ground.  I have spoken to some parents whose children physically attack their parents and run away.  In those situations there are still ways to control their children but those are hard choices to make and I have not been in those situations so I cannot speak to that.  I learned a long time ago not to say, "I would have..."  I know there are choices I could have made to control them and I hope I would have done so but, I made it through those years without having to make those hard choices.  However, I did have some to make that were EXTREMELY hard to make. (I will discuss those in another post...maybe)

Now I am dealing with the HARDEST part of parenting... being the parent of grown children!  My oldest son was raised primarily by his father so, sadly, my absence has been the biggest affect on him as a child and now as an adult.  My two younger children were raised by their father (my husband) and myself.  My son, Jimmy, lives in an apartment nearby and works at Toyota.   Jimmy is 22 and has done many things that I wish he wouldn't.  (Tattoos, drinking, etc.)  At this point, I have had a few years to adjust to Jimmy being an adult.  I still get very frustrated with many of his choices but by the grace of God none of them have been life threatening.  He struggles in various areas and that is hard to watch.  I just try to guide him toward Christ whenever the opportunity arises.  But, he is an adult at this point and I can't MAKE him go to church or live like Christ.  God gave him free will just like everyone else.  (This is one of those subjects I will ask about once I enter Heaven!)

My daughter, Bri, is a freshman at Ball State University. She is 19, still a teenager, but making the transition to adulthood.  She went through a challenging year when she was a sophomore.  We got through it with LOTS of prayer, tough love, and therapy.  God knew what He was doing though, as usual.  She learned so much from that time and it helped to prepare her for the independence she has experienced at college.  It is much harder to let her make decisions that I don't like because up until a year or so ago I had CONTROL!  (or did I?)

As I pray for my children and ask God to guide them and protect them, I am reminded that they belong to Him.  I have been blessed to have them in my life so that I can teach them about Him and the gift of salvation that exists only in the Son that He gave as a sacrifice.  (BAM!  That's an A-ha moment!)  He gave His Son as a sacrifice so that my children can have eternal life!!!  That is how much he loves them!  I can't imagine giving one of my children's lives up for one of the other's.  And if you think about it...  He gave his "perfect" Son as a sacrifice for all His imperfect children!  Mind boggling...

This is what helps me to let go of my urge to control my grown children.  They have accepted Christ and even though they may stray, as I did at various times, they belong to Him and the Holy Spirit will NOT let them rest if they are headed in the wrong direction.  He is ALWAYS with them!  He has plans for them and I need to get out of the way so I don't mess them up!

Don't get me wrong...  when they ask for my opinion or I see a teachable moment I jump on it!  But...  it is now time for them to make their own choices.  I have often watched other parents and thought, "Wow!  They did a great job with their kids!  I wish I could go back and do a better job.  I would change sooooo much!"  Recently some ladies have shared with me that they wish they could be more like me as a mom and that is so bizarre to me!  Why would anyone want to be like me as mom?  Maybe this is God's way of reassuring me that I haven't ruined my kids and that He is now taking over full time.  I will always be their mom but as they become adults we are brothers and sisters in Christ and can support, encourage, and hold each other accountable to OUR Father in Heaven.

Angie

Spring Break Has Arrived

Well.... it is here!  Spring Break has officially started!  At 2:35 I said goodbye to my 27 students for twelve days!  I love each and every one of them and I feel so blessed to be a part of their lives but, I am exhausted.  I need this time to recharge physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  Teaching is the most exhausting, challenging, and fulfilling job I have ever had!  I am so blessed that God called me to do something that I love to do.  It amazes me how He gives me the ability to do this job well.

I'm just like many others and love to be recognized for doing a good job.  I like to know that I am doing something right and that I am good at what I do.  I have never felt this much fulfillment in anything.  I am careful not to be prideful because I know this all comes from Christ.  I would NOT be able to do what I do without His guidance.

And now He has blessed me with some time off to recharge!  But...  I must confess.  I spent the first few hours pouting because I don't get to go anywhere.  While my teacher friends are off to Colorado, California, Arizona, New York, Florida....  I am stuck at home!  My husband and I were planning on visiting my cousins in Tennessee but due to several unexpected expenses, we just can't afford it.  So I drove home pouting, pouted while I made dinner, and then pouted off to bed.  I slept for a little bit but woke up and decided to read a little of the book my Bible Study group is studying,  The God Who Sees You  by Tammy Maltby.  And of course God spoke to me!  He told me to change my perspective.

So I am trying...  Instead of looking at it as a terrible break that will drag on because I don't get to go anyplace fun, I am changing my perspective.  How many other professions get 12 days off to recharge?  My husband is taking a few days off and I LOVE being with him and that will be GREAT!  I have so much I need to do around my house and my classroom and now I will have the time.  I have plans to spend at least one day visiting with my sister-in-law and I know that will be a blast!  I am going to make dinner for my Bible Study group which is awesome because it is a small way for me to show them how much they mean to me.  I am going to do my best to visit the Pregnancy Care Center to see if there is a way I can help out. (Something I have been meaning to do for a LONG time.)  And the GREATEST thing that God is giving me on this break is time to REST!  I am getting older and my body has told me a lot lately that I need to rest.

So....NO MORE POUTING!  I am going to have a GREAT Spring Break even though I'm staying right here at home!

Angie

Being a Mom!

Being a mom is an emotional ride!  In the past week I have had the following emotions as a mother:

1. Pride
2. Sadness
3. Disappointment
4. Happiness
5. Frustration
6. Joy
7. Nervousness
8. Anxiety
9. Fear
10. Loneliness

Being a mom is definitely not for the faint of heart!  You must be strong to be a mom!  My children are my everything.  Now that they are all out of the house and I am left with an empty nest I have had to go through quite an adjustment!  Luckily my youngest is just at college and still comes home at times!  This weekend she is in Florida for a speech competition and a few days of Spring Break.  I get to pick her up from the airport on Tuesday and she will be home till Sunday!  I am so excited to see her!  (Another emotion I failed to mention)  My middle son lives in a town close by and works where my husband works but on a different shift.  So I see him a few times a month.  He even stopped by this week and had pizza with us!  My oldest is in Idaho and is sadly serving some time in jail.  On the bright side he has gotten the counseling he needed and is doing well and should be out this summer.  We all have consequences for our actions and he is taking his like a man.  I wasn't there for him like I should have been when he was growing up and have a lot of guilty feelings over that! (Yet again, another emotion not on the list)  

The best thing I can do for my children is pray for them, which I do daily.  I am grateful that God loves my children even more than I do. (Which is hard for me to understand)

Mom